Social media and Self-image: When ‘Compare’ leads to ‘Despair’

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You wake up in the morning. You are still struggling to open your eyes and you automatically pick up your phone. You decide to quickly check out what’s going on on Facebook or Instagram before you get on with your day. One hour later, you’re still there. Scrolling down, checking, liking, zooming in, commenting. Your friend’s trip to Japan and the picturesque photos of cherry blossoms. Your colleague’s crazy night out. Your neighbour’s graduation photos from a top university. Your cousin’s post with the public declaration of her perfect love on their 10-year anniversary.

Automatic thoughts pop in your mind. ‘When was the last time I went on a trip?’, ‘Will I ever find a partner as loving and caring as hers?’, ‘How did he manage to complete his very demanding course and get his degree without missing out on all the fun and the social outings?’ You notice yourself starting to feel a bit frustrated, upset, angry or disappointed with yourself for not doing as much as them. For not achieving what others managed to achieve. For not being as talented, motivated, successful, sociable, well-travelled as them. For not being good enough.

Thanks to Instagram, Facebook and other popular social media platforms, other people’s lives, interests, whereabouts, new purchases, achievements are right there to see, making your own life seem dull sometimes. The more you check other people’s social media accounts, the more ‘comparison anxiety’ takes over your brain space and your life, leaving you with toxic feelings of envy, inadequacy and pressure to measure up to the lives of others around you.

What really happens is that you get locked in a cycle of 'Compare and Despair', also known in CBT as a cognitive distortion or unhelpful thinking style.  As conscious human beings we are always trying to make sense of the world around us, trying to put our chaotic experience in an order. The unhelpful thinking styles are patterns of thinking that are well established early on in our lives, yet very dysfunctional and often responsible for our low mood, our anxiety and other negative feelings we might be experiencing. When we put the ‘Compare and Despair’ unhelpful thinking habit into action, we tend to notice only the positive aspects in others and become frustrated and upset when we compare ourselves negatively against them. This unhelpful way of being will ultimately have a knock-on effect on our confidence and sense of self-worth.

How can you break once and for all this unbearable vicious cycle and avoid the Compare and Despair trap of Social Media?

• Being aware of your feelings is everything – Noticing and acknowledging that you are feelings jealous when you see others’ photos or insecure when you read their posts gives you an invaluable insight into the way you see, perceive and feel about your own life. What is the deepest meaning of your feelings of jealousy when you read your friend’s post where she describes why she feels grateful for having her boyfriend in her life? Is it likely that you might have been feeling unsure about the choices you have made with regards to loving partners in the past? Or perhaps you might have been struggling to make space and compromises for love to come into your life?

• Lucy Sheridan (2016) suggests imagining your social media feed as your very own ‘house party’. You were the one who decided who to add, follow or welcome in your social media world. It is just as easy to delete, unfollow or hide content that is toxic, unhealthy or does not serve you. Make sure that your ‘house party’ involves loving, inspiring and supporting people, ideas and content.

• Remember the power of filter in the social media. Lots of different options and tools are available to allow us to change, improve, add filters and present the ‘perfect’ life we want others to see – even if it took countless tries and five different filters to get to that ‘natural’ shot.

• Concentrate on your own progress. People who don’t make any comparisons to others are the happiest people, as they focus all their efforts and energy in improving themselves. Compare yourself to how you used to be in the past and your progress toward your own goals. Are you stronger and fitter than YOU used to be in the past? Have you gone any step further toward achieving YOUR goals?

• Spending hours on your phone, checking social media and judging others will get you nowhere if you don’t take any action in your real life. Make sure that you include in your ‘offline’ life activities that increase your sense of achievement, enjoyment, relaxation and closeness to others. And you don’t even have to tell anyone about that.

• Focus on our inner world to get confirmation of our worth – Other people’s reactions to your post and the likes that you get should not form the measurement that assesses your sense of self-worth. As we begin to connect to ourselves more deeply, act in alignment with our true thoughts, feelings and needs and understand that we are here because we are uniquely special, we start to appreciate our own worth, love and accept ourselves just as we are.

References:

Hertz, K. (2019). Social Media and Our Sense of Worth: The grass on the other side doesn't matter - our inner landscape does. Thrive Global. Retrieved on January 4, 2019, from https://thriveglobal.com/stories/social-media-and-our-sense-of-worth/

Nabi, R. L. & Keblusek, L. (2014). Inspired by Hope, Motivated by Envy: Comparing the Effects of Discrete Emotions in the Process of Social Comparison to Media Figures. Media Psychology, Vol 17, 2, 208-234

Sheridan, L (2016). How to Avoid the Compare and Despair of Social Media. Welldoing.org. Retrieved on January 4, 2019, from https://welldoing.org/article/avoid-compare-despair-social-media

Warrell, M. (2015). Compare and Despair: Escaping the Comparison Trap. Huffpost. Retrieved on January 4, 2019, from https://www.huffpost.com/entry/compare-and-despair-escap_b_8254894

‘I Avoid In Order To Cope’ - Overcoming An Unhelpful Way Of Coping With Life

“I won’t enjoy going there, I better stay at home”

“I’ll be exhausted, so there’s no point in meeting up”

“I don’t feel like doing it now, I can always do it later”

These are some of the most frequent statements therapists hear in sessions with clients who tend to retreat into their shell and avoid people, places, situations or even thoughts that are likely to distress them.

It’s not uncommon for people to try to avoid situations which are likely to trigger some degree of anxiety. We all naturally take actions to keep ourselves safe in situations that are perceived as dangerous in some way. Avoiding things we have to do, people we have to meet, places we have to go can protect us from becoming temporarily distressed. The urge to avoid things can be strengthened by the feeling of relief in the short term that we have managed to escape from anxiety-provoking situations. As a result, the situations we avoid become even more stressful.

However, by repeatedly avoiding what makes us feel nervous or uncomfortable, we keep the problem going over a long period of time, which inevitably affects every aspect of our lives. Have a look at the main reasons why avoidance is considered an unhelpful and unhealthy coping mechanism:

• Self-focused attention and repetitive unhelpful thinking can become worse by restricting the contact with the external environment.

• Beliefs about a perceived threat are reinforced and there is no chance for them to be challenged and disconfirmed.

• There is no opportunity for positive reinforcement and, as a result, low mood goes on and on.

What can you do then in order to take a few steps towards overcoming your avoidance?

The key to successfully confronting feared situation and activities is called exposure. By exposing yourself to what you have been avoiding, you get the opportunity to:

• Get used to the feeling of being in the stressful situation.

• Familiarise yourself to the sensations related to anxiety.

• Continue to challenge your fears and test the validity of your negative beliefs.

• Increase your self-confidence.

How can you start exposing yourself to the things, people, places or situation you avoid? What are the simple steps you can try?

1. Take a piece of paper and write down all the things you tend to avoid (situations, places, people, thoughts). Write a number from 0-10 alongside each item considering how distressing that item is (10 the most distressing and 0 the least distressing).

2. Rewrite the list by placing the most distressing item at the top of the list and the least distressing item at the bottom.

3. Focus on the least distressing item to begin with. How can you start to confront this trigger? What do you need to do? What steps do you need to take?

4. Write down reminders of your helpful coping mechanisms (e.g. breathing, grounding techniques, positive self-talk).

5. After you have successfully managed to face the least distressing situation, do the same for the second least distressing item.

6. Gradually and slowly work your way up from the least distressing to the most distressing, feared situation.

By grading your exposure in this way, you allow yourself to take more manageable steps towards confronting the situations you tend to avoid the most.

And remember…

• Be quite specific about what you will do and when.

• Some degree of anxiety is expected and normal.

• Stay in the situation even if you experience discomfort – your levels of anxiety will slowly but steadily go down.

‘Magic happens when you step out of your comfort zone’.

By overcoming avoidance, you can finally get on with enjoying life.

References:

Harvey, A. G., Watkins, E., Mansell, W., & Shafran, R. (2004). Cognitive behavioural processes across psychological disorders: A transdiagnostic approach to research and treatment. New York: Oxford University Press

Kaczkurkin, A. N., & Foa, E. B. (2015) ‘Cognitive-behavioral therapy for anxiety disorders: an update on the empirical evidence.’ Dialogues in Clinical Neuroscience, 17(3), 337–346

Mackey, C. (2010) Addressing Avoidant Tendencies. [Online] [Accessed on on 22 November 2019] https://www.chrismackey.com.au/addressing-avoidant-tendencies/

Salkovskis, P. M. (1991). The importance of behaviour in the maintenance of anxiety and panic: A cognitive account. Behavioural and Cognitive Psychotherapy, 19(1), 6–19